Trying Normal
by holycitygirl
Summary: RyanSeth --Slash Ryan and Seth's thoughts after they come home from the hospital. Okay due to a wonderful reviewer I'm removing the warnings in the summary. Please read the ones inside.


Title:  Trying Normal

Disclaimer:  Don't own, ain't getting paid

Pairing:  Ryan/Seth

Rating:  PG-13 (Not smut –I'm sorry.  I'm not as good at that as everyone else so I try to get by on warm fuzzies and angst.)

Archive: If you want just ask – I will freely give. 

Summary: Seth and Ryan leave the hospital.  What did they learn from the experience?  

A/N:  I really am sorry about my rant on the summary.  I am sensitive.  And I do not mind criticism but people who flame me for writing slash (as if there is not a huge fanbase for that – or as if homophobia is something to be proud of) or not writing smut (I LOVE smut –but can not write it. And do not think that it is the only form of slash to be written.) bother me.  I am probably just opening myself up to more.  But I just had to say my peace.     

The ride home from the hospital is strangely quiet.  Ryan glances over at Seth.  It is not like him to not have a ramble going. It just isn't normal.  He has known Seth for a very short amount of time, but that is all it takes to realize that the boy has an opinion about everything.  He isn't the kind of guy not to share either.  

In Ryan's neighborhood you don't meet too many people like that.  A talkative nature will get beat out of you real quick growing up in Chino.  His step-"dads" had been firm believers in the phrase "_Children should be seen and not heard_".  So Seth's chatter is like a constant reminder of his emancipation. He has come to depend on it. 

He has a new life.  He isn't a part of that old tainted life anymore.  Or at least he is trying not to be.  He can't seem to fully incorporate into the new world that is Orange County.  He sometimes feels like his old life is hanging above him in a strainer, and little pieces keep falling out.  He is trying to plug up the holes but he just doesn't have enough fingers.  Without help, he is going to fail.  Tonight has proven that.  He can't do this alone. He knows now that he needs Seth to lend him a hand.  

_Together we're unstoppable.  The words float around in his head.  No one has ever said anything like that to him before.  The inane reasoning comforts him.  Makes him believe that maybe he isn't just ruining everyone's life by bettering his own. _

But here in the silence, he thinks about Luke's arm.  He thinks about how it could have just as easily been Seth, bleeding on the floor.  About how he had been wooing one's girlfriend while the other was off with a gun toting crazy guy that he had no business even knowing.  

Feeling himself slipping into an all too familiar brood, he tries to stop himself from thinking.  He has never been very good at that though.  He needs Seth to stop the thoughts screaming through his head.    
  
"Would you say something?" he demands at the same time Seth begins to speak.      
  
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Seth wants to take the ride home to let Ryan regroup.  Glancing over at him, he can tell he is brooding.  Ryan is just that kind of guy.  All that inner turmoil, bad childhood melodrama, has done a number on him.  He can't blame him really.  His life has been nothing but normal.  And his summer has been beyond weird.   Uprooted, abandoned, imprisoned, adopted –it is the stuff movies of the week makers live for.  He forces himself to stay silent.  He doesn't want to open his mouth and start saying all of this now.  Ryan doesn't need to hear it.  He is living it. 

Seth knows all of this is his fault.  He should have taken the hint and given Ryan space.  Trying to fit into every aspect of his life was a mistake.  They are just too different.  Ryan is cool and aloof.  Seth is awkward and painfully available. He should have known that Ryan would get tired of him.  He knows that a lot of kids around school are probably going to want to be Ryan's friend.  Seth won't be the only one attracted.  Marissa was just the beginning.  

This line of thinking has him slipping into his own brood.  Talking is the way he releases his tension and exorcizes his demons.  All this _space giving_ just isn't his style.  

"So are you mad at me?" Seth asks at the same time that his friend decides to break the silence.

"Why would I be mad at you?" Ryan asks in dismay.  "All this is my fault."  

"What?" Seth laughs.  "I'm the one who was trying to be something I'm not.  I mean what was I thinking trying to be all cool.  Thinking that I could make you…" 

Ryan quirks an eyebrow intrigued.  "Make me what?" 

"Nothing" Seth insists.  Thinking maybe he should have stuck with First thought Best thought and kept his mouth shut.  

Pulling into the drive way, Ryan cuts the engine off.  The Cohen's must be in bed already.  All the windows are dark.  Making no move to get out of the car, he turns instead to address Seth.  "Don't give me nothing.  Weren't you the one who said not thirty minutes ago that we had to stick together?  Now you are holding back on me?"

Seth knew he couldn't tell Ryan what he really felt.  Well, maybe he could tell him part of it.  "Nothing, I …I just thought that if I could hang with Donnie then I could stay your best friend.  I mean, I know that is lame but…Look, I know that the only reason you hang with me is because you have too."

Ryan looks at Seth oddly.  Did he really not know how important he was to him?  Did he really think that their friendship was just a marriage of convenience? He is slightly offended and hurt, "That is the dumbest thing I've ever heard?  Do you really think I feel that way?"

Seth shakes his head in disbelief at Ryan's protests. "Well calling me dumb isn't really the way to change my mind." 

"Well what does that say about me?" 

One glance at Ryan and Seth feels horrible.  His comment has brought out the sad eyes.  No one does wounded like his boy.  "I'm sorry man, I didn't mean it like that.  I just know who I am- okay – I know that a guy like you wouldn't normally be –close – to a guy like me." 

"A guy like you?  A guy like me?" Ryan is totally confused.  He had thought that Seth's silence had been brought on by exhaustion.  Maybe even by fear that they were going to be grounded for their activities.  But he didn't think that it was because Seth doubted his loyalty.  

"We don't have much in common Ryan." Seth offers.  

God, that one hurt.  Ryan thinks briefly about how it shouldn't.  It was the same reasoning he had given Marissa for why they couldn't be together.  It was the same reason she had returned when he had changed his mind.  It was what he had been thinking when their pool fun had been interrupted by a gun fight.  He didn't belong here.  And no matter how much he loved it –loved the people here –that would never change.  Ryan gets out of the car too filled with emotion to stand still.   He is in the pool house and down to his wife beater before Seth can catch up.

"Dude, what did I say?" Seth asks freaked.  The last thing he had expected was for the King of control to storm off.  

Ryan looks at the other boy.  How could he expect him to know how he felt?  He is a man of few words.  And he had taken great pains to not reveal too much.  He is trying so hard to fit in.  Step one --Flirt with the girl next door.  Step two –distance himself from the boy in his bedroom.  His plan was obviously going well.  "Nothing."

Seth invades Ryan's personal space.  He is suddenly afraid that he has made a mistake.  "Now who is holding out on whom?"

Ryan steps even closer, the boys are now almost chest to chest.  "You are right.  We don't have anything in common.  We are from two different worlds.  What could we possibly have together?" 

They are not talking about hanging after school, and sitting by each other in the caf anymore.  It has gone beyond that.  Seth thought they were talking about cool factor, but Ryan had turned it into something more.  Suddenly his brain freezes around what it was that he had thought Seth was saying.  Did he?  Did he think that Seth was saying….

Seth lets a slow smile spread across his face.   

  
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Ryan can't believe that Seth is smiling.  Aren't they in the middle of a fight? You didn't change gears that fast in the middle of a fight in Chino.  This place is just too confusing. He sighs a world weary sigh "What?"

Seth continues to smile, suddenly feeling a lot more confident than he ever had in his life. "Do you like Marissa?"

Ryan's confusion magnifies, but at the same time things start to click. The jig is up. "Do you like Summer?"

"Dude she is a bitch." Seth laughs.

"But you named your boat after her." Ryan argues.

"And you had Easy Mac and sat on babies and" he runs his hand through the other boy's blond tresses "you hair is still wet". 

Ryan catches the hand touching him and uses it to pull Seth closer.  Their chests are definitely touching now.  "I was trying something"

Seth takes a deep breath and tries to ignore the dangerously fast pounding of his heart.  "Life as a housewife?"

"Normal" Ryan clarifies, searching Seth's eyes for any sign of discomfort.  All he sees is a mirrored need.  

Seth attempts not to look too hopeful, but knows it comes across in his voice "And how did that work out for ya?"

Ryan laughs, letting his own fingers reach up and run through dark curls. "Well the night did end in bloodshed."

"Well technically that was my fault." Seth leans into the touch, wanting more but too afraid to take it.  Maybe this is all a dream.  Maybe he had been the one shot and this is all some medicated fantasy.  Ryan can't really be touching him.  Ryan can't really feel this way, about him.  

"Seth?" Ryan prompts.  

"Hmmm?" is all Seth can manage in return.

Hooking his hand around Seth's chin he looks him firmly in the eyes. Ryan knows what he wants now.  And he can see that Seth is on the same page.  They won't ever fit in after this, but what does he know about that anyway.   "I'm tired of thinking.  Are you tired of talking?"

Seth smiles. You know what they say –first time for everything. And the look in Ryan's eyes promises a whole hell of a lot of firsts. "Yeah I'm definitely- totally -tired of talking." 

Ryan smiles back.  At the first touch of Seth's lips he knows that his attempt at normal is over, extraordinary is going to be much more fun.  


End file.
